She tells me I'm fat.
She tells me I'm disgusting to look at.
She tells me only she knows how to make me beautiful,
But only if I do everything she says.
She tells me to stop eating;
The less I consume, the more she consumes me.
She tells me the pain I feel in my gut just means it's working.
She tells me if I eat, I'm ugly and a failure;
Unless, of course, I throw it up,
Because then the ugliness will leave me.
She tells me I need her to feel beautiful,
That if I don't listen to what she says, a man will never want to look at me,
My family will never be proud of me,
My friends will be disgusted by me,
Strangers will cringe when
Can you not see?
Her face is shallow.
Her eyes are fragile.
Can you not see?
Her body is reducing.
Ana is too good at seducing.
Can you not see?
She shouldn't be this thin.
Not even when she sucks in.
Can you not see?
She's fading away.
Fighting less and less each day.
Can you not see?
Only you can save her.
You alone are the cure.
Can you not see?
You must save her before it's too late.
You must free her of self-hate.
Can you not see?
She's about to take her last breath.
Reach her, before she is greeted by death.
Model
Her red lipstick was smudged
At the corner of her mouth
As she gazed at her reflection
She was greeted by
Her hollow gaze
Her sunken cheeks
Making her pain so visible
Reminding her that it was real
She now knew there was no turning back
That beauty was in fact worthless
That she was dead inside
Protruding bones
look as though they'll tear through skin.
Count the ribs.
Feel the pointy hips.
Hair so dull,
falling out in certain places.
Skin snow white.
Bones all start to show.
Face sunken in.
Eyes no longer shining.
This young girl looks like she's
dying.
Step on the scale,
eighty-seven pounds.
Fuck.
Not again.
Lose five more.
Don't eat for two days.
Jog for three hours,
walk for one.
Half hour break,
let's keep going.
Look at everyone talking behind my back.
Probably all saying, "look how fat!"
One day I'll be thinner than those
perfect, skinny bitches.
But right now I'm fat as hell.
That little bump on m
I used to think "addictions" were only for
drugs and alcohol.
Not cutting, puking your guts out, or starving yourself.
Not making yourself bleed to stop all the pain.
Carving one memory after another into your body,
all because of a few tears.
Binge. Binge. Binge. Forever binge.
Lose the weight, but still eat? How?
Prod your fingers to the back of your mouth,
there's your answer.
Seven, twelve, eighteen, twenty-four hours.
Nothing to eat nor drink.
One day turns to two. By the third, you're gone.
Eat less, starve more. Simple.
Fat. Ugly. Me.
Thanks Ana, you were the key.
But being addictions?
How can pain help pain?
When I
Fat. Fat. Fat.
Look at my stomach.
Sticks out so much.
Size 1 pants?
Not thin enough.
They're loose?
Only because I'm sucking it in.
Two, four, six, eight,
all of my ribs can be seen.
Not enough.
My hips?
What's wrong with them?
They stick out,
so what?
That doesn't make me thin.
Almost below 100.
Maybe at 90 I'll be happy,
even 80.
70 could be ideal.
Thinner is better right?
So why are you staring at me like that?
I know I'm fat.
You don't have to remind me.
You don't look at this in the mirror.
Is this
Insanity?
When my mind
Argues with itself
All the time?
Calling me fat
Then
Calling me beautiful.
Telling me to eat
Then
Telling me I can't.
Saying I shouldn't do this
Then
Saying I have to.
Is this
Insanity?
The bantering
That goes on
In my head?
I can't escape it.
I put my hands
Over my ears
And want to scream.
Is this
Insanity?
Knowing that something's wrong
But still doing it
And not finding help.
Is this
Insanity?
When my head is screaming,
Contradicting,
And controlling
My actions?
Is this
Insanity?
The way
Ana takes over my mind,
The way
Pain relieves me?
Tell me,
Is this
Ana never really left me.
I'd only just hidden her
For about a year
Without knowing how.
And now,
She's crawling her way
Back into my every thought.
Only this time,
She thinks I'm fat.
And that's all she tells me.
My stomach growls
But she says
No.
I feel empty
But she says
No.
I don't understand
When this was the last thing
I wanted
And it always
Disgusted me
That Ana could control people.
I guess she is
Just too persuasive.
Last time she came
To soothe my depression.
Now she's here to
Bring me down.
It's discomforting
But, at the same time,
It's what I need.
I need her to tell me
What to do.
N
My stomach growls.
My stomach tells me to eat.
My friends tell me to eat.
I want to eat.
My brain says no.
My brain yells at me.
Myself tells me I'm fat.
I don't want to eat.
My stomach is an empty pit.
I usually eat so much
But not now.
My hunger doesn't
Control me anymore.
Eating makes me feel sick.
I have fallen into the pattern.
Again.
I need food
But it feels unwelcome.
I'm falling
Again.
Hunger is all I feel
Again.